Commencement

This past Sunday, my pastor spoke on discipleship. In discussion of what discipleship actually is (growth), he discussed how some people may get confused that at the end of twelve years of high school they graduate and participate in commencement. Commencement is not the end of something; rather, commencement is the beginning of the rest of your life. However, for some that may be the defining moment of their life – the culmination of all they will accomplish.

According to dictionary.com, commencement is a beginning, or a start. Merriam-Webster defines it as a point in time in which one “enters upon the next”. In just a few months, commencement will take place at a number of schools. At the community college where I work, reminders are going out to students reminding them to petition to graduate by a certain date. At Fidos For Freedom, a service dog and therapy dog organization, commencement takes place at the banquet that takes place each May. Clients who are “graduating” this year are already gearing up for speeches, festivities, and recognition of a completion of training.

Yet these exercises are not an ending to anything. Rather, they are a beginning. For college students they may be transferring to a four year college to obtain a higher degree. It may mean looking for that ideal career. For clients at Fidos For Freedom, it is the start of a new life of independence – with trainers and “family” in the wings should any further assistance be needed.

Safe People

The topic of my favorite book, “Safe People”, has been a recurring theme in many of my discussions with family and friends lately. I actually dug my copy out to read it again, because I found myself recommending it to several different people. Learning to identify and avoid unsafe people and relationships can be a hard-learned lesson. I think the truths that have permanently etched themselves on my heart and mind from this book, are how to be a safe person MYSELF. For me, it was reaching a point in time when I could turn my back on the past and boldly face my future. Sure! I took lessons learned from the past – in my relationships, problems, and successes – but armed myself with those lessons to be better equipped for my future.

It has been a commencement for me. Like Merriam-Webster explains… it is a period of time where I chose to “enter upon the next” chapter of my life.

Progressive Illness/Disability

I think one of the frustrating things about having progressive hearing loss, or chronic illness/disability, is that one may commence living life with a new charge for life , equipped to be as independent as possible, only for changes in our health to take us back to square one. Prior to my cochlear implant, I remember learning to cope with the telephone, conversations in crowded places, and learning to speak with people with poor communication habits. However, in a matter of months my hearing would take a dive and I would discover that what worked last month, didn’t work at all now! Like most families with small children at home, we lived paycheck to paycheck. We pinched pennies and scrimped and saved to purchase an amplified telephone for me. For five or six months I was in telephone heaven! I used the phone every single day with confidence and enthusiasm. It didn’t take long, however, before I was struggling to even use that new gadget. I earned a little extra time by using it when the kids were outside and the house was relatively quiet. What was once easy became increasingly difficult. Eventually, the frustration of what I wasn’t hearing, despite hearing aids set to t-coil and begging people on the other end to speak clearly into the phone, had the phone collecting dust from lack of use. I’d talk to other HoHearies and get some new ideas. At some point though? The phone became a thing of my past. I had to come up with ways to contact people other than the phone. For the late-deafened community, the emergence of email, texting, and even FaceBook became very real “life-savers” in terms of being able to freely communicate with others. Although I hear well enough on the phone now that I have a cochlear implant, these other forms of communication are still my own first choice.

Resilience is a Special Kind of Strength

Many readers of Hearing Elmo have various disabilities, invisible illnesses or chronic health problems. For some, those difficulties are progressive and force them into a constant state of evolution. This can actually be healthy. (I see some of you grimacing out there!) Yet progressive illness can produce resilience – the likes of which create a strong and capable individual who can face life’s problems with the confidence earned through experience. Resilience is a special kind of strength. These individuals know that living successfully with progressive health problems is simply adopting an attitude of commencement.

Some people never graduate. They never enter that next stage of life. Even though the past may be painful, they cling to it with a tenacity that may stun family and friends. If they have progressive health problems, they may be stuck in the grief process. The grief process is a PROCESS. In a healthy situation, one moves from one stage to the next, eventually reaching acceptance and a new normal. Even psychologically we can get stuck in the past. Everyone else has moved on, but we have super-glued ourselves to unresolved situations instead of letting go and moving on with our lives (like everyone else has). Living this way yields toxicity to both ourselves and to others. We become “unsafe people”. It can have a negative influence on our relationships, self-esteem, and emotional/mental health. Dr. Seavey addresses how to face the future in a terrific article that can be accessed HERE.

Can you look back and see different points in your own life where commencement took place? Using all you learned in a specific period of your life, you chose to begin the next chapter of your life. May we all view commencement as springboard to usher in a successful, victorious future and not as a monument that designates an END!

Denise Portis

© 2012 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

“I See Him as a Friend”

Hearing Elmo welcomes guest writers! (I figure you get tired of only hearing my point of view!) Today I welcome a distant cousin, Ted. Ted and I “met” on Facebook, connecting with family and friends in a way only Facebook seems able to do. It is great fun to talk to him because we grew up in the same small town, “middle of nowhere”, farming community. Ted works with a non-profit called “Aids – Out of Africa” (http://www.facebook.com/pages/AIDS-Out-of-Africa/109654919088134) and is also active in his community, helping to dispel myths about people with disabilities. How? By being their friend…

Hope to hear more from Ted in the future!

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When my cousin was asking for stories for the web site about disabilities I was a little confused.   But I walk around in a state of confusion anyway so it didn’t bother me.  I did however start thinking.  Disability is all around us every day.  Sure we recognize the Disabled Vet in the wheelchair or the blind with the service animal, but we miss many of the other truly disabled.  Disability comes to many in all forms.

Having been associated with the Veterans Hospital for the past 30 some years, I have become accustom seeing “Disabilities” and don’t stop to stare or wonder the why’s or what’s of this concentrated elite group of America’s often forgotten service men and women.  Some are missing arms or legs, some are blinded, some in wheelchairs.  But many have hidden  “Problems” that we don’t see.  They are legally blind but do not require a service animal or the typically white cane.  Some are deaf but with the miracles of new hearing devices are able to communicate without being obvious.  When I walk into the audiology clinic, the receptionist, Peggy, greets every patient looking directly at them, speaking clearly, just a touch of volume, and a little slower.  Suddenly I realize that she cares.  That means a lot.  And when scheduled for the optometry clinic the doctor personally called my home to reschedule an appointment because she was being transferred and wanted to personally follow up on a surgery.  I take that kind of service very serious.  I appreciate those who care to go that little extra distance.

Now for the purpose of this writing and the  personal note.  Charlie is a friend, I call him a friend because he always takes the time to come over and speak to my wife and I every Monday at the weekly auction we seem to always attend.  He jokes with us and tells us what has happened during the past week.  If Mary is not with me, he will ask about her and the same if I am not in attendance.  He pats me on the back and makes me happy.  I see him on occasion at different locations all over town.   He is the kind of friend that never complains about his personal problems.  If his personal transportation broke down, I would help him replace or repair as necessary.  However he has a disability that many shy away from.   Charlie is limited mentally.  His appearance also makes many uncomfortable.  His teeth were not taken care of but that is in a stage of repair now.  Most people see him as a nuisance or embarrassment.  I see him as a friend.  I have asked myself what is there about Charlie that makes me proud to be his friend?  It is because his “Disability” only exist in the minds of the “Normal” people around him.  Charlie is seen all over town because although he is not allowed to drive, rides his bike pulling a trailer, around to selected locations to do odd jobs.  He is at the auction because he helps load items for buyers for whatever “Tip” they might give him.  During the night he sometimes shows me how much money he has taken in from his work that night.  In his mind he is not “Disabled”.  He is however truly challenged.   He lives alone, and pays his rent.  He wears clean clothes, and is showered and shaved.  I cannot compare him to all the people that thinks the world owes them a living because he makes his own lemonade out of the lemons that nature has dealt him.

So as we walk past people at Wal-Mart, or set beside them on a bus, we don’t really understand the limits of their “Disabilities”….. Perhaps better yet we do not understand their unlimited  “Abilities”.  Maybe the person just needs a friend.  I don’t think the word “Disabilities” is a true description.  I think that the word Challenged is better.  But neither fits my friend Charlie for in his mind he is not challenged nor disabled,  he is making a living the only way he knows how.  If he receives a little help along the way, that’s great.  But he would rather be accepted as is, where is.  So when you are asked to repeat a statement because the person could not hear or more likely not understand you, don’t get angry or say, “Forget it” for they can’t forget.  Try to be more like Peggy, louder, slower and facing them.    If the vision impaired need a little assistance, offer to help.  Just a, “Need some help with that?”, can make a person’s day.   It might even make your day.  An older person might be struggling to reach an item off the shelve.  When you hand it to them, there is a moment where you feel like you have really done something great and you have.

Ted C. Burhenn.

Soul Surfer

My daughter was home for Easter weekend so the family enjoyed a rare night out to the movies. The movie “Soul Surfer” had been recommended to us so we chose to attend on Sunday afternoon. I was in a bit of a huff when I arrived due to some family conflict, missing the first part of the movie while I sat and fumed. (Yup… I definitely need to learn to fume a little quicker).

Once I started paying attention, however, I really enjoyed the movie. When you “hear again” with a cochlear implant, you really do have to make the concentrated effort to PAY ATTENTION as listening is no longer a passive exercise – rather an active effort. On occasion, I’m lucky to snag a movie we are attending that is open captioned. I do not have to focus with nearly the same concentrated effort when the movie is open captioned. As it was, I finally TUNED IN and really enjoyed the movie. I won’t spoil it for you in case you haven’t seen it, but basically a teenager learns to live life differently due to circumstances that were neither predicted nor expected. She learned that “in spite of” she can continue to make a difference in the lives of others… to touch souls.

Individuals with acquired disabilities of any kind have to do the same, don’t they? I mean the alternative is isolating yourself and giving up. That isn’t a life I’d wish on anyone. (Believe me I know, because I tried it for a short time!) It takes a lot of courage to persevere and learn to do some things differently when life throws you a curve ball. I’ve always been a lousy “catch”, so wouldn’t you know when my own disabilities took hold and changed my life that I was totally unprepared?

I was at a Fidos For Freedom training with my assistance dog one Saturday and a fellow client that I have come to know quite well wasn’t at all surprised by a blunt question. We had learned to be “straight” with each other early on because we discovered that by doing so we could learn from each other. She is a client who has been matched with a service dog trained to assist her with mobility tasks. Having experienced a recent “wet week” due to spring showers in our area, I asked her how she found the wherewithal to come to trainings after having a “bad week”. She has had to learn to do things differently because of her disability and must prepare well in advance when attending trainings that other people may be able to spontaneously decide to attend! She said, “I simply remember that by coming I have opportunities to encourage someone else. I don’t want to miss those opportunities so I get my butt out of bed!”

I’ve never met anyone that was not able to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in the life of another. I don’t care who you are or what your circumstances are. The only necessary ingredient to successfully touching the life of another is BEING WILLING. If you aren’t willing, it will never happen. People with acquired disabilities have learned to maximize technology. We have learned to perhaps do something DIFFERENTLY in order to accomplish a task. We have also learned when to cut ourselves some slack. People with acquired disabilities have learned to ask for help at times. We are malleable, persistent, and BRAVE. No worries. I’m not “tooting my own horn” here, I’m simply pointing out the obvious having met numerous people with acquired disabilities.

Surfing for Souls

There are numerous ways individuals can make a difference. My “short list” is below. Feel free to leave comments and add to this!

1. Join online support groups and be active in the group. Reach out to others who are perhaps struggling with a new acquired disability.

2. If possible, participate in local support groups or chapters that meet physically each month. Go prepared to learn, but look for opportunities to serve.

3. Be open and honest. Don’t hide the fact on your Facebook. Don’t make your disability invisible. Visibility allows others to see you active in your community, doing things others do without thought. Shopping, church, or GOING TO THE MOVIES are all activities we can still accomplish. Welcome questions and be prepared to be a positive advocate.

4. Have business-card sized cards available to give to people who stop to ask questions about the: Cochlear implant bling, service animal, hearing aids, wheel chair, walker or bright purple cane! In this way they can contact you at a later date and ask questions in a more controlled, confidential way. They may need the information for themselves, or for someone they care about who struggles with their own acquired disability.

5. Don’t apologize for being different. Celebrate it!

6. Advocate, advocate, advocate! When the support groups and organizations to which you belong do annual fundraisers, DEMOS, or community service appearances, do not hesitate to get involved and advocate! At times you will be called upon to write local or state government officials. Take the time to do this!

I remind myself as I encourage you to do the same. I need to be be aware on a DAILY basis. I can surf for souls to touch. I can make a difference!

Denise Portis

© 2011 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Fallow Ground

I have really enjoyed FaceBook and reconnecting with old friends and family. However, FaceBook gets a lot of “flack”. My husband wrote a terrific, short post on his blog about this very topic and you can view it by clicking here. FaceBook has become much more than a way to “re-connect”. Because it is so simple to use, I use it connect to people I care about every single day. One can quickly see what people in your life are up to and honestly? It makes it easy to write a quick word of encouragement.

It also has some games. I’m not a big game person, but FarmVille is a popular one. I’ve become a little complacent about my own “farm”, but it is still fun to check in each day. I allow much of my farmland to be “fallow”. My busier, more industrious farming neighbors will “drop by” from time to time to take care of my fallow ground and plow it for me. If I’m really lazy and don’t plant anything, they will also fertilize the newly tilled ground.

I get tickled at the fact I don’t have to do a whole lot of work to my farm some weeks. At times, I wish that fallow ground would stay that way because it saves work for me later. (Like I said, I’ve become a lazy farmer). I grew up on the farm. Fallow ground is an important part of farming. Sections of farmland are intentionally left unplowed and unseeded during a regular growing season. Even though it is undeveloped, it is potentially useful to the farmer because it allows the ground to “recover”. The stubble left over from the previous harvest will break down and leave valuable nutrients in the ground. Because of my own sections of fallow ground on FarmVille, I have been thinking quite a bit about the concept of fallow ground.

Fallow Ground Symbolism

The Bible mentions fallow ground in Hosea 10:12 and Jeremiah 4:3. In both places it talks about breaking up the fallow ground as a word picture of cultivating your heart and life so that you can serve and minister to others. It lends the idea that a heart or life can be “hard” and unusable.

For a farmer, however, fallow ground IS useful. I am a big supporter of taking time off and having a designated time of reflection. Perhaps it is because I recognize that we are all way to BUSY. I have been emailing a lady in her 30’s who is a referral from Johns Hopkins Listening Center (their cochlear implant clinic). I’ve agreed to be a mentor and contact for people who are considering cochlear implants. (I’ve asked her permission to share this). It is difficult to be blind-sided by an acquired disability. Sometimes, the change can be sudden, extreme and permanent. Sudden sensorineural hearing loss (SSHL) had robbed this lady of her ability to hear well. She is feeling overwhelmed and at the breaking point. Her life has been in over-drive for some time, and SSHL made her feel like someone had “jerked the carpet out from under her and she lay dazed staring at the ceiling” (her words).

I said, “What you need is to allow some fallow time in your life. You are so busy and yet trying to cope with a major life-altering change. You are giving so much of yourself to so many others, you aren’t even able to weigh the pros and cons and investigate CI’s. I recommend taking time off. Allow your life to go fallow for a designated time. You need this time to re-group, think, and rest”.

She is now doing “just that”. She isn’t WASTING time. She is deliberately taking some time for herself so that she can work through her thoughts, feelings, and investigate cochlear implants.

“Fallow” is not Wasted

I think more people should determine to take time to reflect. I try to meditate and pray at least once a day. There are occasions where I take longer periods of time. But let’s face it… most of us are too busy to really have the time for reflection. What can we do about this?

This is an unpopular idea, but I firmly believe everyone should step back from “all their extra-curricular activities” from time to time. I believe elected (and volunteer) community service, non-profit, and support group positions should have specific limits on terms of service. It forces a change in leadership and allows over-worked, committed volunteers to rest (provided they don’t launch themselves into some new role).

Before insecticides and chemical fertilizers, more farmer’s left ground fallow to aid in replenishing the minerals that occur naturally from “resting the ground”. Today, leaving ground fallow may cut potential yield and profit. I believe that too many of us believe the same in our lives. If we do not keep volunteering for everything, who will do the work?

I had a real test of this in 2010. I have been told by folks I respect that, “If you step down from a leadership role, the vacancy allows God to fill it with someone He has already prepared for that position”. In 2010 I would be beginning the last year of school, and just simply could not lead my local chapter of the Hearing Loss Association of America. Numerous personal reasons and simply feeling BURNED OUT had me dreading yet another year of having to step up in a leadership role. The young mother who had taken the “reins” for 2009 had done an excellent job. I made the mistake of simply “moving” my available volunteer hours to another position of leadership within the chapter. As 2009 came to a close, this busy young mother wisely chose not to run another term. I was getting some pressure to step back up to “the plate”. Because I knew what this last year would entail for me I had to really think about it. Because I was already weary, burned out, and overwhelmed, I decided to put a “year sabbatical” to a vote for the chapter members. Incredulous that I was not going to step up and fill the vacant role, they unanimously but grudgingly agreed to a “year off”. I could tell that many were worried! We have elections in October and November each year. I actually had high hopes that God would press on someone ELSE’S heart the desire to step forward so that our chapter would not really have to close for a whole year.

I waited.

No volunteers stepped forward.

I “stuck to my guns” and we entered 2010 only meeting virtually. You know what? We didn’t “fold”, nor close our doors. As a matter of fact, numerous people once in leadership roles really needed this year off for various reasons. Elections are already underway for 2011, and we have a wonderful lady who is now able to devote her time and resources to leading our chapter in 2011. She wasn’t available last year. She needed this year off too!

I felt a little bit of pressure from well-meaning “others” to step back into the role of newsletter editor for 2011. I chose not to do so, simply because I know what my 2011 is gonna “look like” (to some degree… like many of you it is the part I DON’T know that causes significant stress – grin!). I need a “fallow” year. I’ll be finishing up school soon and will be starting to put an effort into finding that career… that position that helps shape a “better me”. Really this last year my free time was taken up with doing school! Next year? I need my life to become “fallow” in terms of allowing a rest and reprieve from even worthwhile activities and groups of which I am passionate about. I’ll still be an HLAA active member and participant, but my free time I need to be “me time”. I feel undernourished. I refuse to feel guilty.

How about you? Do you feel guilty when you aren’t OVER-involved in important, mission-minded organizations? Do you feel like you have to say “yes” to everything? Do you yearn for a bit of quiet and time to rest your soul, mind, and body?

I came across a poem written by a lady I know from FaceBook. (Like I explained earlier FaceBook is far more than reconnecting with high school classmates). She wrote a beautiful poem that I really felt “fit” the idea of needed and necessary “fallow” time in life. She agreed to let me share it here at Hearing Elmo.

Ocean’s Healing Grace
by Nancy Wilder
a lone figure sits easily on the sand
bare feet playing tag with icy foam;
so small in this vast ocean panorama
she gazes out over the horizon hues.

heart heavy and a mind in turmoil
sand and surf her refuge of choice;
breathing in the strength of nature
an open invitation for healing balm.

dawn has come and turned to morn
gray sky meets water in chilly repose;
pretty escape is not what she requires
peace provides nourishment to heart.

slowly the small figure begins to ease
battered mind gently clears in relief;
absently tiny fingers draw in the sand
as gulls dive for their morning repast.

the ocean’s healing grace envelops
urging an embattled soul to find joy;
life’s small blessings are apt minion
to supply happiness on daily course.

acceptance calls a smile to gentle lips
as she stands, the sun kisses the sky;
twirling gaily she casts away sadness
her heart and mind embrace a new day.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and near burn-out, I challenge you to allow yourself to become “fallow”. Don’t falsely bully yourself into believing this time is wasted. Go find an ocean…

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Not-So-Fun Life Lessons on Vacation

A little morphine will put a smile on the face of most anyone!

Kyersten is a frequent guest writer at Hearing Elmo. She is a KODA and has participated in HLAA, Walk4Hearing, and Fidos For Freedom activities most of her life. She is a junior in college and is majoring in Psychology.

Okay, I’m really, really stubborn

Being someone who hates doctors and hospitals, I pretended nothing was wrong for almost a week. After all, if you pretend it isn’t there, it doesn’t exist right? Besides, you’re not supposed to get sick on vacation, that’s no fun.

But pretty soon I knew that I had, I decided, the stomach flu. So I went to the urgent care in my grandparent’s town. Or rather, one of them, because being a city of retired folk, they have about a million urgent cares.

After running a urine test and blood test (blech), the doctor discovered my white blood cell count was dangerously high. SOME stomach flu. They decided to give me an IV. Or, at least they suggested it…at first.

“No thanks, I don’t want an IV,” I smiled.

“Well, we need to give these medications, and it’s best through the IV,” explained a nurse.

“No, I’ll just take a pill,” I replied, smiling but firm.

“No, we’re going to have to put an IV in there,” said the nurse, smiling but firm.

“No I really don’t want it, just give me some pills, I’ll go pick them up at the pharmacy,” I said, slightly more desperate. The nurse pursed his lips. He was cute and a fireman…but married with twins, so a total loss there. He was just the enemy who wanted to stick the needle in me.

“Okay, well, you have to go get my grandma first. NOW.” I said. (All of my 20-year-old independence was out the window when it came to a needle!) I needed grandma, and I needed her NOW.

Thankfully my practical grandma calmed me somewhat and they were able to give me an IV, into which they slid medications and fluids into my body. Ooooo morphine. The world looked more amusing and less painful. But the morphine didn’t keep me from panicking somewhat when they decided to send me for a CT scan at a local imaging place. SOME stomach flu this was!

Deciding that perhaps I was wrong about the whole stomach flu thing…

After drinking 2 large bottles of nasty poisoned Gatorade (they claimed it was because of the dye mixed into the Gatorade), I was led to a back room.

The technician looked about my age. I was slightly suspicious how much experience he had. He led me to a room to change into some unflattering and itchy clothing. After waiting for a bit, I was led to the Machine.

“Now, this machine is going to take pictures of your insides,” he explained. I wondered how old he thought I was….I was getting a lot of “you look 16” comments recently.

“Oooh, can I put them on Facebook?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“I supposed you can request a CD of the electronic versions of the pictures,” he replied seriously. Okay-y-y. (No sense of humor!)

The CT scan was boring and the technician bossy.

“Breathe in…hold your breath. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold your breath. Breathe out”. Over…and over….and over….and over. I wondered if this really was taking pictures of my insides or was trying to calm me down from the harrowing IV experience (which, if I may say, was still in my arm. I was pretending it wasn’t there though).

I was sent to the waiting room. They called the fireman nurse and doctor. Pretty soon they called me up front. The fireman nurse was on the phone.

“You’re going to have to go to the hospital immediately. I was able to get a bed for you,” he said. He explained the process of getting there.

I nodded obediently as if he could see me, my rebellion rather withered. I assumed at this point it probably wasn’t stomach flu.

“Okay, I’m going to go get some stuff first,” I said politely.

“No…you need to go NOW,” Well okay then.

Well, this is all very…new…and…well, uncomfortable

So I went. I called my parents, who I had been keeping updated. I texted my brother to tell him I loved him. And I mentally prepared myself for surgery.

And then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

They decided they needed to do more tests.

The first test they decided to do they quickly concluded they could not do because I am a virgin. They were very peeved. I almost apologized even.

“I’m really sorry I’m not like so many other young people nowadays and haven’t lost my virginity several times over by now!” On second thought, no, I was proud of the fact I was a virgin.

So instead they did an ultrasound. Wait just a minute, didn’t they just establish I was a virgin? So why exactly are they doing an ultrasound? But no, there are apparently other reasons to do an ultrasound. Grandma was completely fascinated. I was just uncomfortable.

Late that night Mom and Chloe arrived, both were tired but very happy to see me. My grandparents went home and I was knocked out by some sleep medication while Mom kept watch by my bedside in the hospital.

I was comforted by her presence and she said I kept reaching out towards her in the night, to reassure myself she was there. You’ll always need your mom.

Tests, tests, and more tests…and I never even got a grade

Kyersten needed a "Chloe hug" once the morphine kicked in...

The next day was filled with more tests, including an MRI. The MRI was probably the highlight of my hospital stay… if there could be a highlight. The MRI technician looked like a mad scientist and he was absolutely hilarious. The MRI itself was kind of cozy, and he actually had to wake me up once. I felt rested after the scans.

After all the tests, including so many blood tests that I lost count, it was time for them to consider what to do, because they were really not sure what was wrong with me. They did another blood test to once again confirm that I wasn’t pregnant (as though the two ultrasounds, the urine test, the blood tests, and oh yeah…the fact I am a VIRGIN, wasn’t enough to confirm!)

Wednesday was the day. I wasn’t scared of the surgery, I was in too much agonizing pain to care. I had never before felt such pain and I hope I never do again. A terrible migraine hit me on top of my stomach pains. Then, my IV decided to try to burst my veins; thankfully, the skilled nurses got it out in time. Unfortunately they had trouble finding a new vein and dug around in my left hand for awhile before moving to my right arm.

A story of being in a whole buncha pain…oh and experiencing being “high”

That time was the worst part of the hospital stay, all I could do was lie on the bed and sob, feeling like a complete baby and wanting so so so badly to be home. My amazing Grandma and Mom were there, answering tears in their eyes. At one point Mom left to talk to a nurse and my Grandma prayed for me…which I needed to hear because all I could pray was “please God please please, please God”.

The nurse, in desperation, gave me a new medication which made me very….well….high.

“I think my words are messed up,” I gasped. I stumbled, shaking as if I was having a seizure to the bathroom and back to the bed.

“I can’t talk, my words are gone,” I moaned in confusion. Mom and Grandma were whispering, used to trying to keep quiet because of the migraine.

“Please don’t whisper….your lips smack together more,” I complained. My poor long-suffering family!

They finally wheeled me down to be prepped for surgery and I did feel a bit nervous. The pain, however,  was over-riding everything else again. The weird pain medicine had worn off. A nurse’s humming drove me insane, as did the loud talking of the nurses around. I really wanted to be in a quiet hole somewhere. Mom asked the nurses to quiet down (bless her wonderful, protective heart), and most of them did, except the loud humming one.

She gave me papers to sign. I apologized for my clumsiness, saying I was not left-handed (the IV and various wires were on my right arm). She snapped at me to use the other arm then. I meekly admitted I needed to use the bathroom.

She ripped the different cords off me (I had spent some moments trying to see if I could change my heart rate, before the headache returned…it was fun!) and took me to the bathroom, hooking my IV on the door, and leaving me. I was terrified someone would open the door and pull the IV out, so I hurried. Barely able to even lower myself to toilet by myself, I half-crawled to the door and yelled for help. I was definitely learning humility! Another, kinder, nurse came and helped me.

Going under the knife…and having little cameras looking inside my body….weird

Then it was a blur, I was wheeled to the room, and after prepping me a little more, I waited for the countdown.

And woke up in recovery.

“I have to pee,” I cried. I was assured I didn’t need to. I sat there whimpering for a few minutes about not being able to see (my eyesight was blurry) before I gained control of myself and calmed down. I felt kind of silly when I realized how much I had been crying. Now I was just confused. I squinted around me. I had no idea what happened in the surgery. The hospital doctor came by and seemed truly pleased to see me. He explained that my appendix had ruptured, they removed it, and cleaned up the infection. Ewwww. Eventually I was wheeled up to my room, I was happy to see my nurses and family, in a very drugged-out foggy way.

The time where I felt like Frankenstein

After another couple of days of recovery, which all seemed like a blur, a surgeon came in to look at my wounds. I watched them uncovered the bandages.

“Oh it looks so good!” he said. I almost screamed…or passed out, I was still deciding which to do before he left. Nine terrible looking staples were stuck in my stomach. I decided I was having a nightmare.

“What is that?”, I whimpered. My mom comforted me and explained the fact I had staples, not stitches. I felt absolutely horrified. I decided to pretend they weren’t there. (I was getting good at denial. It can be psychologically healthy sometimes).

The drug-induced blurred ending of the story…they put me on a lot of medications

The next few days consisted of different milestones. Leaving the hospital… sleeping a lot at my grandparent’s home… going to the airport… setting off the metal detector with my staples… flying home… being pushed through the airport by a speed demon wheelchair “pusher”… and finally arriving home alive. (All of course in a drug-induced stupor).

What I Learned…oh the joy of life lessons

Yes, it wasn’t the best vacation but my pain and suffering eventually stopped. There was a fix. It eventually slowed and I became stronger and felt better each day. In spite of the trauma of events, it was just a “blip” in my life.

I was forced to think about my friends and family who do NOT have a “fix” for their physical problems. I thought of how the doctors at first were skeptical that something was terribly wrong. During the exploratory surgery, I finally had proof something was wrong. (Even though my appendix wasn’t where it was suppose to be… I knew I was special).

I have friends with Lyme disease who do not have “proof” of their illness and are treated with skepticism. I can now understand … in a small way… what they go through and not having a doctor listen to you. It made me appreciate those emotional trials they go through in addition to their physical ones.

I thought about my friends and family with disabilities and illnesses that have no cure. At the times I was tempted to feel sorry for myself (and yeah! I may have given in and had a pity party or two), I thought of the fact that there was a light at the end of the tunnel for ME. It made me appreciate the bravery of those who live each day with no “light at the end of the tunnel”. They still live life to the fullest. I know they have times of weakness and maybe a pity party or two. But they live each day with the strength and bravery that I can never imagine having myself. Pain and helplessness (doing simple tasks like using the restroom), makes common life tasks more challenging. I never fully appreciated what those with chronic illness and disabilities go through each and every day. It helped me go through my small trial of physical pain and helplessness…I thought of these people and felt motivated to keep at it, to be strong. I am awed by their strength. From this experience… I now have new heroes. Those who overcome physical challenges every day.

Kyersten Diane Portis

20-year-old Guest Writer to Hearing Elmo

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

But it’s Sunny TODAY!

Have you ever found yourself slightly anxious and a bit unsettled, simply because you were not able to focus on today? Lately, I have experienced insomnia in part, because I have been focusing on two things while trying to go to sleep:

1. The PAST. I keep trying to think of a way to get even with someone who hurt a person I really care about, only murder requires prison time and doing so would only re-open old wounds. Why is it so hard for me to leave this with God? He can take care of it better than I can, yet I continue to brain storm about ways I might be able to “help”. (rolls eyes at own stupidity).

2. The FUTURE. I will be very close to being finished with my MS at the end of this year. Then what? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Because… I mean – that HAS TO BE DECIDED TONIGHT! (rolls eyes at my own stupidity).

I’ve been trying to learn to re-focus on TODAY. So much can be missed in today, can’t it? Sure… it is important to learn from your past and to make plans for the future. Yet, I seem to really get bogged down in this mental exercise instead of actually accomplishing something good. In the process I lose… TODAY.

Last night, after kicking the 427,698 th sheep to the curb…

(Hey! I started out counting and patting the head of each that went by… but after an hour, I GET CRANKY!)

…I was reminded of a conversation I had with Sean at a TBI summer camp in 1999.

Today

I was an active member of the Brain Injury Association of North Carolina for a number of years, and my family and I enjoyed helping out at the TBI camp outside of Mayodan each summer. I had my first hearing aid and was already experiencing fairly severe vertigo with balance problems. I had not yet been diagnosed with Meniere’s disease, and I had not yet put together that for ME… rain made my symptoms worse. All I really understood was that when it was rainy, the “ringing in my head” (tinnitus) would get worse and I seemed to fall a great deal. I hated the rain. I was sitting in one of the shelters near the craft hut talking to Sean. Sean was in his early 20′s and had suffered a TBI in a pedestrian vs. car accident. Perhaps I felt some camaraderie with this young man as I had experienced the same kind of accident as a child. However, while I had almost fully recovered from my own accident, Sean was in a wheelchair and had only limited use of his arms and hands. Sean lacked the fine motor skills to participate in some of activities at camp, and because he hated those feelings of frustration and helplessness, chose instead to “talk the ears off anyone who would listen”. I was often that set of ears, (which if you think about my worsening hearing – this was a bit of a hoot!). However, I had learned already to pay attention and carefully ask questions if I did miss something.

Sean reached out and playfully punched my arm to get my attention. (Waving in my line of sight would topple him from his wheelchair, so we had agreed this worked better!) “It is a beautiful, sunny day today!”

I looked up at the cloudless sky and countered, “Yeah, but it is suppose to rain tomorrow. I think it is suppose to rain the next day too! I hate rain!”

Sean looked puzzled and repeated, “It’s suppose to rain tomorrow?”

I’m sure I looked particularly glum as I replied, “Yup! I’ll be falling all over the place! I don’t understand what it is about the rain… I hate it!”

We sat there a few minutes and I could tell that Sean was distracted by my response. I waited for him to gather his thoughts in order to reply.

Finally he said, “But… it is a beautiful, sunny day TODAY!”

I realized with sudden clarity what he was trying to explain. So what if it is suppose to rain TOMORROW! It is a beautiful, sunny day, TODAY.

Don’t Lose… TODAY

I really believe we can get so caught up in things that have already happened, that we fail to move on in our lives. I also think we can become so worried and anxious about tomorrow that we fail to live… today.

I am trying to remember that I only have today one time. My children are 19 and 20 years old, and my oldest is transferring to a four-year college this Fall. What opportunities am I missing each day to interact with them because I’m not focused on today?

How often do I pass a co-worker who looks like they could use a hug? How easy is it to ignore an opportunity to respond to a classmate’s venting about their problems and “get down to business” instead? A funny thing can happen when you become “TODAY focused”. You notice the cashier who needs a smile and small talk at the super Wal-mart. You stop to chat for a moment with the “old timer” that you always meet on your evening walk. You email the person you promised to pray for to see how things are going. You take the 15 seconds required to comment on a FaceBook friend’s wall. You call your significant other during the day, “just because”. You jot a friendly note to your landlord when you pay your rent… on time.

Today is gone so soon. Yet it is 24 hours of opportunities afforded to you alone. Those moments in time and opportunities to make a difference are yours. Yeah… the forecast may be pretty dismal. But it’s sunny TODAY.

Matthew 6:25-32

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O, you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Plan Ahead – But BEWARE!

Ah January! Don’t you love January? There is something about the beginning of a new year, isn’t there? Many of us make resolutions or commitments, although some of those same commitments we are pretty wishy-washy with no real resolve to complete them. Folks decide to quit smoking, drinking, or eat better and get fit. Some decisions are a wee bit ridiculous… even ludicrous. Those who end a year with a shout, “I DID IT!”, set realistic and practical goals.

Plan but Don’t Go Overboard

I’m a real “planner”. I live by my Google-calendar, and insist every family member use the same. We all have access to each other’s calendars. This is necessary as we have four drivers and workers sharing two vehicles. It is also necessary because “mama hates nothing worse than to fix a family ‘sit down’ meal, only to discover no one is home“! Mama? Well that’s me… and I’m here to tell you that really is a pet peeve. If they are suppose to all be home for a family dinner, they’d better be present when it comes time to set the table, sit down, and enjoy a big meal. My kids have a good number of activities other than school. If they want transportation, they’d better check our calendars!

Planning can get out of hand, however. I’m a little OCD. (Clears throat nervously when envisioning all those reading who know me well). OK. Perhaps I’m a LOT OCD, but I have come a long way! In high school and college I was truly “over the top” and my organized life was only due to a very unhappy disorder that had taken over my life. I’m more relaxed now about planning and organizing. Sure! Google calendar is my anchor for each day’s activities, but I have a messy desk, can walk by a dog toy on the carpet and no longer obsessively check things.

Your resolutions and “new commitments” will go a long way if you plan ahead. One of my own decisions is to get healthy and fit, then stay that way. I do not want to develop Type 2 Diabetes like so many in my family have. This means I have to plan a menu and grocery list and not just “show up” to super Wal-mart each week. I buy snacks, but only healthy ones. If my kids want “junk”, they have to buy it themselves and keep it in their rooms. Sometimes they will write a particular cookie they are craving on the shopping list, or perhaps they’ll go shopping WITH me. Unhealthy snacks cannot just be “laying around” in the kitchen. I want them OUT OF TEMPTATION’S WAY. I plan a good part of my day. I have to plan my day to a certain degree in order to determine when I work, do school, do housework and work in EXERCISE.

Even my assistance dog, Chloe, has put on a few pounds this past year. Three pounds for a canine is a lot. I have until May to help her get back in tip-top shape. First thing they do on certification day is weigh your dog! Walking helps us both get back into shape. Since it won’t be above 32 degrees for the next two weeks, I can see in advance that I will be walking VERY FAST. It’s been cold enough that even Chloe has stayed on track and not attempted to do anything but MOVE. (‘course… that may be because no bunnies are currently out and about).

I’m also using Spark People this year to track my nutrition and fitness. It’s easy, motivating and QUICK. I’ve seen some folks on the website who are Spark SUPER STARS. Honestly, if I had to put that much time into a “new me”, I’d lose myself somewhere. If you are planning and trying to get organized, make it simple, efficient, and fun or you won’t be doing it when February peeps around the corner!

When is Planning Wrong?

Some people work hard to make plans for work, their education, and their lives. They may have short-term goals and long-term goals. They may plan out every tiny detail. The only problem with being this way, is that when “life happens”, it can undermine confidence, destroy good intentions, and serve to produce anxiety at the deepest level. Joyce Meyer said in her book, Be Anxious For Nothing, “Learn from the past and prepare for the future, but live in the present”. She cautions against planning “too much”. Doing so can actually produce anxiety.

Have you ever been anxious? Worried? Sometimes our planning may go awry. None of us PLAN for financial difficulties, sickness, or a death in the family. You can check out my Google calendar and I can guarantee you will not find anywhere that our “Sump pump needs repaired”. We also did not plan for a circuit being “fried” due to my daughter’s space heater. These small, but unexpected bills add up.

No where on my calendar does it say, “Family shares a virus”, yet how often does that happen in any given month? Some people worry excessively about what “may happen”. Perhaps they’ve been hit by life hard and have already learned what the mean and vicious bite of unexpected tragedy feels like! They bear the scars, and fear “all things with teeth” as a result. Joyce Meyer continues in her book to say, “Anxiety is caused by trying to mentally and emotionally get into things that are not here yet or things that have already been — mentally leaving where you are and getting into an area of the past or the future”. We simply cannot plan for everything. Life happens.

The book of Matthew, reminds us, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:34). Planning can be helpful – even necessary to help us reach our goals. But write your plan on paper, not stone. Life has a way of changing our plans. It is very healthy to live TODAY to its fullest. If your plan is malleable, it can coordinate with the plans of others. If your plan is in pencil, changes can be made and adaptations created in order to make a “work in progress”. If your plan is on paper, you can wad it up and toss it towards a trashcan; one written in stone can only be hefted around like a burden and eventually dropped – ON YOUR FOOT – in defeat.

Plans are necessary for most people. I plan in advance by carrying extra batteries for my cochlear implant. I make sure I have Chloe’s ‘to go’ bag always stocked and prepared. I check my Google calendar at least three times a day. I have a list of things I MUST do, and a list of “hope to”. My plans do not include falling backwards down the stairs after tripping over our bouncy Elkhound. I didn’t plan it, but tumble I did last week! (Meniere’s has a way of making sure your plans have some fun “Whoops!” in there!). A man in our church had a seizure following the service yesterday. I’m not a gambler, but I’d put “money on it”, that he did not plan for that to happen. (Praying for you T. family!) Make plans, but be prepared for things to happen that you’ve not exactly planned for!

Planning is helpful and can be a great life tool. However, planning excessively can allow anxiety and stress take its toll on you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even physically. I leave you with a few of my favorite quotes about “planning”:

Henry David Thoreau: “Never look back unless you are planning to go that way”

Philip Crosby: “If anything is certain, it is that change is certain. The world we are planning for today will not exist in this form tomorrow.”

Choice not chance, determines human destiny. (anonymous)

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

It Takes Just One Voice

My “morning chore” this morning included cleaning up the porch and putting patio furniture up for the season. Each Autumn I accomplish this task, I’m reminded how desperately our deck needs replaced. I haven’t been out on the deck in about a week and was startled to find more Zinnias in full bloom. Don’t they know it’s late October? Most had died and I thought part of my morning chore for this designated “deck clean-up” morning was going to be to shut the flower pots down for the year. I just couldn’t do it… not with brand new Zinnias raising their beautiful colorful heads to celebrate this Fall Fashion Show going on in mid-Maryland right now!

I explained to Chloe how surprised I was to see brand new blooms on the Zinnias. Patient dog that she is she listened attentively, but I could tell she didn’t really understand what all the excitement was about! But you see? The Zinnias were not finished…

Disabled and finished?

This week I received a tearful email from a fellow HLAA (Hearing Loss Association of America) member. She was upset about the state of her local chapter. It seems they are having trouble attracting new members and the old members are rarely participating. They are SPECTATORS, but not PARTICIPATORS. A peer mentor at one of the local hospitals that performs cochlear implants for people in our area, she explained to me that she cannot even generate any interest in those relatively new to hearing loss.

“You can see that the word ‘disability’ has sunk into their very soul, impacting the way they choose to live their lives,” she explained. “I try to explain to them that hearing again through a cochlear implant is something to be celebrated! It is not normal, perfect hearing, but it is hearing and choosing to stay involved in the hearing world in which they were a part! If you talk to them you can tell they are depressed, defeated, and ACTING disabled. It’s as if all the color has gone out of their lives.”

I thought about my own support group and local chapter of HLAA. There are a handful of people who volunteer for everything, work hard at making sure the chapter is well run, make it a priority to attend each month, and reach out to other members who are on the ‘roll’.

These folks stand out. They smile, are involved in numerous OTHER community endeavors, love people, make a difference… they are colorful. In spite of their hearing loss, deafness, communication needs and problems, they are noticeable because of their focus on ABILITY instead of DISABILITY.

dAp

Fidos For Freedom participates in dAp programs throughout Maryland. Chloe and I have been to two of these early on in our training together. The disABILITY Awareness Program was started in the late 1970′s. The intent of dAp is to educate children and their teachers about disabilities, what it’s like to be a person with a disability, and to increase acceptance of people who may be ‘different’. I’m given the opportunity to talk about what I CAN do. Fidos For Freedom has been instrumental in helping me to be independent again. I have learned so much about what it means to live “in spite of” a disability. There are so many different disabilities represented in our client family. For many, being partnered with a canine partner helps them focus on the “can do” instead of what they cannot. Many enter the training program at Fidos pretty much beaten down by the fact that their life is now completely different because of a disability. They finish their training in full bloom. They stand out and make a difference. Their independence grants them the courage to re-take their life.

One Voice

I love people with disabilities. Near and dear to my heart are populations with hearing loss, deafness, Meniere’s disease and brain injury. I belong to these populations. I wrote back to my friend this week and tried to encourage her. Many small chapters of organizations like HLAA have to make the decision to perhaps only meet quarterly instead of monthly. What you can’t do is “close shop”. If you make a difference in ONE person each year, is that not important?

Do you feel alone? Ever feel as if you are carrying the load alone and GEE HAS IT BECOME HEAVY? You may be one voice. Are you caring for an elderly parent who has Alzheimer’s? Are you a stay-at-home mom with three little ones under 5-years-old and no one at home SPEAKS ADULT? Do you work with people with addictions, and feel your heart breaking every time someone returns to their drugs or alcohol? Do you love someone with TBI who will never be the same person they were prior to their accident? Do you or a loved one live with a terminal illness?

You can remain in FULL BLOOM … in spite of it being late October. You can be ONE VOICE that makes a difference. An amazing thing can happen to ONE VOICE that remains in full bloom in spite of the season. It may take time and a lot of effort. It may not even happen in your lifetime. But one voice is usually joined by another… and then Another… and ANOTHER. You may never discover your own influence this side of Heaven. Be influential anyway. Stay in full bloom. Be one voice… one that makes a difference. If your life is all that is changed, is that a bad thing?

Some of you may cringe. I love Barry Manilow. (Sue me!) My older brother got me hooked on him in the late 70′s. This is a short song, but I ask you to listen to it and think about it from the point of view of making a difference.

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

Raindrops on Roses

Some of you may have seen the title of this post and cringed. Me? I’m not ashamed to admit that I love “The Sound of Music“. I remember watching the musical on television as a kid, which very likely resulted in my seeing it at least once a year. As a young adult I purchased the movie in VHS, and saw it with closed captioning for the first time. Later, I asked for the DVD version! So now if I’m really in the mood I can slip downstairs, watch it, and sing along! (At least… if one of my teens turns the T.V. on and instructs me AGAIN about the TIVO remote!)

The Discover of Re-Discovery

You may HATE “The Sound of Music” – normally made evident by the cringe and shudder that rips through your body when you hear the name – but everyone has a list of “favorite things”. You may not even be AWARE that you have a list of “favorite things”, but you do! It’s there… tucked away in the corner of every person’s mind. Your list may not include raindrops on roses, but you have special things that make you smile with simply the thought of those “special things”.

I try to periodically look through my own special list and perhaps make updates or “tweek” it a bit! Yes (embarassed grin), my list is actually typed out and saved on my computer. But honestly! Did you expect any less from ME?

If you haven’t thought about your own list of “favorite things” in awhile, I encourage you to do so. You see? I believe it is important to re-discover the simple things that make us happy. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it is all about money either. You could win the lottery, sure… but you’d only be rich, not necessarily happy. I think you will discover like I did, that my “favorite things” list consists of relatively simple, yet heart-warming pleasures!

The Ever-Evolving “Favorite Things”

It may have been awhile since you really sat and thought about your own list of “favorite things”. In fact, it may have been so long since you indulged in this luxury of thought, that your list has changed quite a bit. I admit that at 43-years-old, my list looks different than it did when I was 23-years-old. Yup! A few things are reminiscent of my younger decades! For example I will always love “Curling up in my pajamas with a good book and a candle burning nearby”.

Obviously, my life has so dramatically changed since the activation of my cochlear implant, I have numerous new “favorite things” that make sounds. A cat’s purr, my hound dog’s longsuffering SIGH, and miracle of miracles? On a quiet afternoon on the back porch this summer, I heard the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. That was a real jaw-dropper for me, and one that I’m sure will be permanently etched in my own list of “favorite things”!

Care of the world on your shoulders? Worrying? Making mountains out of mole-hills? Just feeling blue?

“I simply remember my favorite things… and then I don’t feel… so bad!”

(If any of you ever find the video with captions, let me know?)

I’m not remiss in remembering to thank God for my “favorite things”. I’m certain the times I spy a double rainbow, He is tickled to have provided something special for me on a day I needed a glimpse of a “favorite thing”!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal

“Memories… Light the Corners of my Mind…”

Look into these soulful brown eyes, and one can believe she remembers those she loves very easily!

“Memorieeesssss… light the corners of my mmmmind…”

Your age will likely influence whether or not you started singing along, and finished the line, “Misty, water-colored Mmmmemorieeeessss… of the way we were….”

Dogs remember

I’m always amazed at what a dog can remember.  Not so much “tricks” and obedience commands, for in truth, they remember those types of skills as the result of an owner/trainer who consistently practices and hones those skills.  I “smack my face” in shock at times, as to what a dog can remember that is NOT the result of  training. (Yeah, yeah, I know!  You’d like to smack my face for me? Grin).

Chloe constantly amazes me at being able to remember a “dog” she hasn’t seen in a really long time, and going all a-wiggle at just a glimpse of her “buddy” across the parking lot.  She was “rushed” and received a bite from a white poodle once.  She still quivers in fear at the sight of one, and it she isn’t even seeing the SAME one. Chloe has a great memory!

Wednesday, I had to rush to the grocery store to pick up a few items to last my family through the week.  I carried one of those baskets, instead of choosing a cart. I’m convinced that I need to remember to ALWAYS reach for a cart now, no matter how few items I may need.  The cart actually helps me balance some, and it also allows me to block Chloe from “oh I gotta pet you/cuz I can’t read” hands.  (Honestly, you’d think her vest said “PET ME PLEASE!”)

I dropped a coupon and was in the middle of asking Chloe to retrieve it for me, when she heard something and dropped the coupon mid-”retrieve”.  Actually it was kind of comical, because when she dropped the coupon her mouth still hung ajar!  I’ve never seen my “hound dog” surprised by what she’d heard before! I could tell right away she was hearing something, as she became very still, and her head cocked to the side.  Her ears perked up and she looked in the direction of the next aisle.

I was able to get her to focus and retrieve the coupon (with a little EFFORT), and we continued down the aisle.  She was literally “a-tremble” with excitement, and kept looking at the aisle next to us with her ears all perked up. I was kicking myself for not having a cart, but bravely rounded the corner and headed into the next aisle. I saw some ladies rounding the corner of the aisle next to us. Fortunately, they were going in the opposite direction so we were now going to have an aisle between us.  UNFORTUNATELY, Chloe didn’t like that.  She barked a high-pitch yelp/bark.  I shushed her immediately, and scolded her quietly as wouldn’t you know the end of the aisle was also nearest the cash registers and front-end employees?

I put her in “heel” and headed down the next aisle.  She continued to “hop/walk”, listening intently, and still all “a-tremble“.  I tried to listen to make sure that as we rounded the end of the aisle, those ladies were not doing so as well.  Being that I’m not a lucky person by chance, I of course came to the end of the aisle at the same time they did!  Thankfully, this time I was BETWEEN the ladies and Chloe, but she ducked her head and looked between my knees at the ladies.

One of them noticed her peeking between my kneecaps, and said, “Oh look at the beautiful dog! Look how wonderful she is!” Something about the voice made me start “thinking quickly”, but I couldn’t put it together quite yet “why”.

One of the ladies she was with said, “Oh my! She’s beautiful!  What does she do?”  She stepped closer to read her vest.  The closer she got to me, the clearer her voice became.  Chloe was attempting to sit in a nice heel position, but was just trembling from head to toe.  The lady said, “Oh she’s crying!”

Darn.  I can’t hear Chloe whimper sometimes, so I looked down and said, “Chloe… shussh!  Quiet!”  I turned to the lady standing there and said, “I’m sorry she’s not normally this way. She seems very excited to see you.”

The ladies moved closer and continued to talk to me (as they realized talking to Chloe was making her no longer SIT).  Right as one lady was explaining how thrilled she was that dogs could help a deaf person – it hit me.  I was so startled by my epiphany, I dropped my basket… on my foot! (At least it wasn’t Chloe’s!) Thankfully, I only had some boxed items in it so it wasn’t very heavy. The ladies were turning away to go, and I in a bold and desperate move, reached out and motioned to them to stop.

“Excuse me.  I love your accent, and I think my dog actually recognizes it from a trainer she had when she was young.  Can I ask where you are from?”

Although she had lived here for over a year, she and one of the ladies with her were from Vaspy, Sweden. (I’m sure I’ve spelled that wrong, but I’m spelling it like it sounded and HEY!  She had a Swedish accent so I was having trouble!).

They walked away from us to finish shopping and I stood rooted to the spot.  I think perhaps my mouth was hung ajar like Chloe’s had been after the coupon retrieve.  One of Chloe’s earlier trainers had a Scandinavian accent, although I do not know where she originally “hailed” from.  Chloe had HEARD these ladies voices, recognized the ACCENT, and thought Jolanthe was in the next aisle!

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been QUITE that surprised by the turn of events.  After all, Chloe can hear Pat’s voice (her most recent trainer) from the next room and become really excited. Heaven help us if we ever happen upon Pat in a store now…

My Ears Want to Remember

My cochlear implant is a wonderful miracle really!  I never thought I’d be hearing voices as well as I do “this side of Heaven”.  But hearing through the miracle of bionics is not hearing PERFECTLY.

Sometimes I hear things and know “something isn’t right”, but am unable to put my finger on the “what”. Take a cat’s purr for example.  If I hold one of our cats right up next to my implant I can “hear” the cat purr.  They aren’t very thrilled to be dangling from my hands and smushed up against my implant, but they will continue to purr – believe it or not!  I think part of it is that I can feel the vibration of the cat’s purr, and this aids in “conjuring up memories” of a cat’s motor.  But when I hear one of our cat’s purr, it’s a little “off”… something isn’t quite “right”.  I have a memory of a cat’s purr, but what I’m hearing is just a little bit “mechanical” compared to what I remember.  My daughter tells me all our cat’s purr differently. I suppose I’ve had a hearing loss long enough to not really quite understand how a cat’s purr can sound different.  Even more remarkable to me, is knowing my daughter claims she can tell the difference!  I just can’t quite put my brain around the fact that someone can hear THAT well!

I’m coming up on my four-year anniversary of “hearing again”.  I still hear things “for the first time” since activation. For example, this past Christmas I was shopping with my husband at Home Depot.  Around the base of one of the Christmas trees, a little miniature train chug-chugged along.  I stood there in front of God and shoppers and wept.  I could remember the sound of my older brother’s electric train set and “hearing it again”, was emotional!

I’ve spent the past summers “remembering” the sound of lawn mowers, and leaf blowers.  I’ve experienced autumns remembering how a rake sounds pulling leaves into a pile.  If it’s quiet, and the noise isn’t distorted by other background noises, I hear… and REMEMBER.

Something that makes me sad – if I let it – is not having a memory of how my kids sounded when they were little.  We’ve a few old VHS tapes, but hearing the tapes triggers no memories for me as I HAVE NONE.  I can usually cheer myself up pretty quickly, in simply recognizing the fact that I have amazing conversations with my young adult children NOW. (Reading their lips, “More juice please” was likely more endearing than “Can I have the car keys” though…)

May all of us take the time to REMEMBER.  Don’t waste energy remembering negative things (unless they taught you something).  Remember good times, good friends, and heck yeah!  GREAT DOGS!

Denise Portis

© 2009 Hearing Loss Journal