Why YOU Should be a Disability Advocate

In a recent class discussion, I asked my students what advocacy, community service, or non-profit organizations they were involved in and what prompted them to do so. Young Americans get a lot of flack, but you’d be surprised how many are fully committed to various causes. Social justice issues are “the new sexy” and students often pressure their peers into doing something that matters.

When I ask them these questions, most of the time there really is an important reason they volunteer for “this or that” cause. They love animals so volunteer at the SPCA. Their mom died of cancer so they volunteer and walk for a Susan G. Komen breast cancer event. They work twice a month at a soup kitchen because they have been hungry before. We normally have a connection to what we advocate for and this reason drives our passion and commitment. “Volunteer Power” explains that #1 reason people get involved in something is because that “something” meets their needs (Volunteer Power, 2017).

I am a long-time advocate for the disability community. It’s hard to say if I would be doing what I am if I weren’t a person with disability myself. Because my issues are not singular, I like to think that if it hadn’t been, A) acquired deafness, that got me involved, it would have eventually happened anyway because of B) Meniere’s disease and C) Post-concussive syndrome. 

I don’t think people realize how powerful advocacy – big or small – is for groups that are the same AND different than you are. “No Stigmas” explains how powerful the advocacy of those who do so on behalf of others… for groups that have nothing in common with who they are as an individual. Why? Experts believe that passionate advocacy can be mistaken for self-serving bias (No Stigmas, 2017). The more I learn about people with disability, the more I am convinced it is all of our responsibility to advocate for this population. May I try to convince you of the same?

How Many of Us Have Disabilities?

In the United States, 24.4% of the population over the age of 18 has a disability (CDCP, 2016b). Y’all? That’s nearly 1 in 4 people! The Disability and Health Status Systems and supporting research suggest that 17% of those living with disability have a congenital condition (CDCP, 2016b), while the remaining 83% have an acquired disability. An acquired disability is defined as a limitation in normal function of vision, hearing, movement, thinking and remembering, learning, communication, mental health, or social relationships (CDCP, 2016a). Many acquired disabilities are easily identified as visible assistive devices, tools, or mitigating technology are used by the individual to mitigate limitations. Numerous acquired disabilities are considered invisible or non-obvious and are only apparent to others should the individual choose to disclose their diagnosis. Whether acquired disability is visible or invisible, an individual may find themselves coping with both new stresses and new opportunities for growth.

Advocating on behalf of people with disabilities–even if you are not a part of this population–means you are very likely doing so on behalf of someone you know. Advocacy doesn’t mean you have to volunteer 15-20 hours a week for a cause. Advocacy can include that, but most of the time it means being someone’s friend. It may mean that when you are on hiring panels, you remind others of the value of hiring someone with a disability. Joni and Friends (2017) explain that hiring people with disabilities has the following advantages:

• Including qualified employees with disability in your workforce communicates a strong message of inclusion to your local community.
• Employees with disability often make good team players – that means increased productivity in work groups.
• To include someone with a disability diversifies your workforce, creating a stronger appeal to a diverse consumer base.
• Employees with disabilities often enjoy a long tenure with a company and are less likely to resign or quickly move on to another job.
• A job can mean a great deal to an individual with a disability and translate into equal or higher job performance rates.
• Employees with disability are usually happy to work on creative solutions regarding reasonable accommodation or restructuring of job hours.
• Including someone with a disability in your work force raises the bar on everyone’s awareness and sensitivity toward someone facing hardships (para. 3).

Advocacy can mean support during national awareness walks or campaigns for a disability group. It can mean choosing not to use derogatory language when referencing a disability group, nor allowing others to do so (See A-Z Derogatory Terms).
“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth” (William Faulkner).

You Will Likely Eventually Be a Member of This Group

Finally, you will very likely be a person with disability one day. Making a difference NOW, simply establishes a foundation for self-advocacy and “right thinking” later. Let’s do a little exercise (something I learned from my ADA Leadership Network training):

Below… pick a person who is not “RED” yet. The red indicates someone with a disability. Pay attention to who you pick and don’t cheat and switch it up later! Pick one person:

In the USA, 10.4% of Americans have a disability if they are the ages 15-24 years. Now let’s bump up an age group. Find your SAME person:

—————————-

In the age group of 25-44 years, that percentage moves to 11.4%. Does your chosen person have a disability yet? Let’s get older:

—————————

45 – 54 years, the percentage of Americans with a disability moves to 19.4%

—————————-

55-64 years, we are now at 30.1%

—————————

65-69 years, we are now at 37.4%

—————————-

70-74 years – 43.8%

————————–

Should you live 75-79 years, the rate grows to 55.9% of Americans. Did the person you pick, end up “red” by the end?

Y’all? If you do not struggle with normal function in some aspect now, chances are as you age – you will. Develop relationships and advocacy “know how” NOW, even before you need it.

So? Have I convinced how important it is for ALL of us to advocate for disability rights, inclusion, and normalcy? If I haven’t – that’s ok. However, I hope at the very least you come away with a little more information about an often times marginalized group. As always, thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

L. Denise Portis

©2017 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2015a). Disability and health. Retrieved March 30, 2016, from http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/disabilityandhealth/types.html

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2016b). Disability and health data systems (DHDS). Retrieved March 30, 2016, from http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/disabilityandhealth/dhds.html

Joni and Friends. (2017). Disability and employment. Retrieved March 21, 2017, from http://www.joniandfriends.org/blog/disability-employment/

No stigmas. (2017). How to be an advocate for others. Retrieved March 20, 2017, from https://nostigmas.org/peer-advocacy/

Volunteer Power (2017). Why people volunteer. Retrieved March 19, 2017, from http://www.volunteerpower.com

Sometimes It Takes Work to Stay Positive

uphill-battle

When my alarm goes off, Milo (who is laying in a ginormous dog bed on the floor by me) hops up and nudges my face and arms. There are days where my eyes pop open and I lay there for a few minutes giving myself a pep talk. Milo isn’t into pom-pom’s and cheering… he just wants breakfast. This means I can’t lay there contemplating all that is “Denise” very long.

Do you ever have trouble getting out of bed? I’m not talking about because you are sleepy. I do not mean the kind of lazy-bone feeling you have when it is rainy and cold out and you just want to stay cuddled up in the blankets. I’m talking about the weariness that comes from having to psych yourself up

one

more

day.

It can be difficult. Don’t get me wrong. I recognize that I have so much to live for and that I am blessed. PsychCentral recently wrote about what NOT to say to someone with depression. The piece included a great number of platitudes that people say to someone who struggles with depression. Some that I hear a lot are:

  1. There are a lot of people worse off than you.
  2. You have so many things to be thankful for! Why are you depressed?
  3. Happiness is a choice (this one kills me because it is actually the title of one of my favorite books!)

Several years ago I saw a quote on social media that said, “Telling someone they cannot be sad, depressed, or anxious because others have it worse is like saying someone cannot be happy because others have it better.”

Yes. I do know people who are “worse off” than I am. But by what measure?

Like many with chronic illness, or visible/invisible disabilities, I have good days and bad days. I would suspect that most people who talk to me each day in person – at work, class, check out lines, or walking – believe I am a very cheerful person. Fact is? I work at it. It does not come easily to me.

At 50 years old, however, one thing I have learned is how powerful a smile and encouraging word are to others. I try not to think about my limitations. That’s so… limiting! Instead, I work to make a difference each and every day, even if all I have the energy or ability to do is be genuinely friendly and encouraging.

I love Fridays. On February the 17th, I posted this picture and caption on FaceBook:

Sweet and loyal ❤️ beat at my feet. Ready to work as soon as I need him! Which... was two seconds after this pic since I looked up too fast, got dizzy, cracked my head on the podium, and dropped my remote. He takes it all in stride. 🐾
Sweet and loyal ❤️ beat at my feet. Ready to work as soon as I need him! Which… was two seconds after this pic since I looked up too fast, got dizzy, cracked my head on the podium, and dropped my remote. He takes it all in stride.

What I did NOT post, is that later that day when I arrived home weary but safe from a long week doing what I love, I had a seizure. Right there on my front porch. It lasted all of ten seconds and I knew 20 minutes beforehand it was coming. Milo was safe in the back yard and I a l m o s t made it to the door. (No worries – I know that a frontal head bump, fatigue, and Meniere’s flare are the recipe for a “fall down go boom”. I have regular contact with my doctors and “we’ve got this” – promise!)

When I got home from work today, one week later, I find I am still thinking about that and a little peeved about the permanent issues of having multiple concussions. Each Friday, I feel as if I have pushed a “happy Denise” uphill all week long. It is hard. It isn’t so hard that I cannot do all that I CAN DO. Sure, I may be naive to think that my smile and small acts of kindness make a difference. But I choose to believe. I believe because someone else smiled at me and encouraged me. When they did I had the wherewithal to press on – one more day.

smile-and-encouragement

Denise Portis

©2017 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

 

Civility and Respect

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Milo-bear and I have been partners eighteen months now. I would have to say most of the wrinkles have been ironed out. I suppose anyone who has had a service dog long enough to be on #2, will experience some adjustment as you learn that dogs really are DIFFERENT. Milo is a different breed, sex, size, and personality. He has a different skill set than Chloe did. Poor guy was told “good girl” for at least a year, so I think being a different sex was one of the hardest verbal changes I had to make! I think that part of the reason things have been synced so well just recently, is that Milo trusts me now. For such a big guy, he’s pretty timid. He bonded to me quickly, but it took him quite awhile to understand that I was going to take care of him as much as he was going to take care of me. Milo respects me now (though he has loved me for a really long time).

If you know anything about dog training, you know that a dog doesn’t have to fear you to respect you. As a matter of fact if your dog fears you, then you haven’t taught it anything about respect and trust. Milo and I respect each other and are a great team.

I’m part of a committee on my campus called the “Civility and Respect Campaign”. Part of the Social Justice Collaboration, the committee meets to discuss ways to foster civility and respect for all persons on campus. The hope is that this campaign will strengthen a spirit of community. You don’t do that be fearing one another. Having been a part of the disability community for 25 years now, I have learned that differently-abled people are often feared. That isn’t a good thing. Below are some reasons I have come up with from my own life’s experience. You may relate to some of these.

  1. We are feared because our diagnosis is not 100% understood.

I have learned that most people want to do the right thing. I would have to hazard a guess that most of the misunderstandings between some with special challenges and folks without, is that communication breaks down. If we want to be treated in a civil way and with respect, we have to learn to communicate our needs with civility and respect.

Isn’t it easy to get riled? My fuse isn’t as short as it was when I was 2 decades younger, but certain attitudes can really get me bent out of shape. When people approach you with an ugly demeanor and sportin’ a ‘tude, I have to work at not responding in the same manner. I literally take 5-6 seconds to respond when someone gets up in my face about why I’ve parked in handicap parking or why I’ve brought a (vested and clearly marked) dog into their store. These few seconds allow me to calm down and resp0nd appropriately. Good communication is not responding in like kind. If someone has a rotten attitude, the conversation can be turned around if you respond in the right way. Only one time has a person continued to “go off the deep end” when I was talking to them. I finally said, “I need to talk to someone that can stay calm”. The person evidently had enough sense to know they couldn’t, so they actually DID go retrieve someone else for me to talk to instead. It took less than 5 minutes to clear up the misunderstanding.

I’ve had conversations go the other way too. A well-meaning Giant grocery store employee came up and asked me if they could get my service dog some water while I was busy trying to retrieve a cart. The person was kind, but almost ingratiating. After I thanked them and said that my dog was fine “but thank you… could you help get this cart unpinned?” They then asked if they could help me get a motorized cart set up. (This after I asked them nicely to help me unpin a cart to use). Honestly? I’m sure my face spoke VOLUMES. I was thinking, ‘I’m standin’ here with a cane and a calm service dog. (After struggling and jerking on it on my own) I now have a cart to lean against as well. I have a list in my hand and would like to start shopping, only YOU are in my way and delaying all of that!’ The look on my face must have been scary. The employee held up their hands and said, “Oh now calm down I’m just trying to help”! (Really? Is that why you helped me unpin a cart?) Enough seconds had rolled by I finally trusted myself to speak. “Thank you so much for wanting to help. I’ve had special needs for a very long time and if I need additional help I am quick to ask for it. My service dog makes me a very independent shopper and I would really like for you to stop embarrassing me and making a scene”. The employee looked horrified and stomped away to go belly-ache to a fellow employee (likely about the unreasonable disabled person).

Was that the right thing to say? Hmmm. Maybe not. I know I kept my voice down and stayed calm (a herculean effort), but I’m sure my expression was dangerous. When I got to check out, a cashier I often see at the store said, “I apologize about earlier. They are new and don’t know you at all. They handled that all wrong and I took some time to explain how things should be done for shoppers with special needs”. I thanked them and finished checking out, mentally reviewing the whole thing in my head again and just amazed I didn’t deck the person with my pocket book. (Hey. It’s heavy and huge and would have done some damage)

It was a poorly communicated problem and solution.

2. We are feared because a previous encounter conditioned the person to believe we were going to be a problem.

Always… ALWAYS remember that what you do and say will affect the next differently-abled person who comes into that store, restaurant, doctor’s office, or other public venue. It’s amazing to me how a “knee jerk” response is conditioned. Do you know I’ve been wrong about this idiom for my entire adult life? I thought a “knee jerk response” meant the person said something they knew they shouldn’t have and so jerk their knee up to protect their (ahem) private parts to keep from getting kicked. As much as I like (even prefer) MY definition, apparently a “knee jerk response” is an automatic and reflexive response done without examining causes or facts. The origin of the word: From the tendency of the knee to jerk involuntarily when hit sharply, properly called the patellar reflex.

If you have ever had a “bad encounter” with a fearful person, they may have had a really bad interaction with someone before you. I was involved with a training at the police academy in our county and explained issues people with a cane and service dog may run into. I said, “Don’t take the person’s cane away. It’s a piece of adaptive equipment geared to keep them upright”. A commanding officer spoke up, “I’ve been hit by one of those. We have to take away something that can be a weapon!” I know my mouth dropped open. I had never thought of that! Together we worked out a way that the person could be asked to sit and the cane taken away safely. This officer’s experience created a predisposed suspicion of anyone wielding a cane.

As the differently-abled person, we have to remember two things. 1) The idiot person we are dealing with may have been conditioned to respond this way. 2) How we reply will affect the idiocy in the future. Sometimes I chant in my head, ‘BE NICE, BE NICE, BE NICE’ which means: “Denise! YOU be the bigger person and turn this conversation around!”

3. We are feared because… they are an idiot.

Sigh. No nice way to even put this. Sometimes? Sometimes you just need to find a different cashier in your favorite grocery store. Doctor’s office intake people being demeaning? Find a new doctor. Limited options? Place a formal complaint. (See: 1) https://www.ada.gov/filing_complaint.htm and 2) http://www.abilitycenter.org/blog/how-to-file-a-claim-against-a-business-for-violations-of-the-americans-with-disabilities-act/).

Civility and respect go a long way. If you cannot resolve a situation, file a complaint by any means at your disposal. Good luck out there and – erm – keep that knee up! Because I still like my meaning better!

Denise Portis

©2017 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

 

One-Eyed, One Horn, Flying Purple People Eater

one-eyed-one-horn

Sheb Wooley released a song in 1958 called the “One-Eyed, One Horn, Flying Purple People Eater“. I know this not because I was there (ahem), but heard the song throughout my childhood. If you have never heard this “gem”, you are MISSING OUT. To help fill that void for you, click here for a captioned version: Enjoy

Now I mention this because this song has been going through my head for a solid week. I know! I do have better things to do! However, I’m in the car enough that I tend to fill the time with singing… or maybe BELTING out the OLDIES is a more truthful admission. For some reason, this song is just stuck in my noggin’. It is a song that frankly? It doesn’t make much sense. Maybe it did to Mr. Wooley. Something doesn’t have to make sense to get stuck in our head though. It doesn’t even have to be the truth. It doesn’t even have to be healthy.

Negative Broken Record

Sometimes unhealthy thoughts and labels stick with us because at some important developmental milestone, we heard these negative things enough we have come to believe them. These negative thoughts can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. These negative, perpetually repeating thoughts can bring us down and keep us in a state of defeat. Experience tells me that a state of defeat = dissatisfied and unfulfilled life.

A get so aggravated when people (and sometimes counselors) say you should erect boundaries with people who tell you negative things that you take to heart. Easier said than done. What if they are family? What if it is someone you work with daily? Most of the time, if someone tells me something negative I try to:

  1. Determine if there is any merit in what they are saying. If so, does it mean I need to change some behaviors?
  2. Determine if I respect the source. Should I spend any time at all contemplating what they’ve said as constructive criticism, or is something I should immediately release as misdirected and poisonous barbs?
  3. Determine the level of influence. Do I work with this person? Is this someone I must see either occasionally or frequently?

Sometimes the “stuck in my playback feature” of my brain are negative comments, labels, or criticisms from people I care about. I can set up a boundary (and have… mentioned below), but I cannot just shut the door and throw away the key (although there is a time for that too… read on!).

I’m no expert in rebuttal of mean insults, however I learned at a fairly young age that “fighting fire with fire” only burned everyone. Frankly, I can stand the smell of scorched material.

I learned that getting defensive often only made me look petty, childish, and well… DEFENSIVE. A defensive stance and demeanor is not attractive on me (perhaps on no one).

I have learned two responses that work for me:

  1. What you have said has upset me. I need some time to regroup and then I would like to talk about what you just said (or called) me.
  2. I don’t believe in labels and discussing things with mean-spirited people. I would love to continue this conversation in a more healthy way when you are ready to do so.

You-re Ugly. You-re Fat. You-re Disabled. You-re Embarassing.

It makes me so sad when I hear people say self-deprecating things, knowing they heard it somewhere else first. Those “stuck in our head” kind of hurtful descriptions are usually hurled from the mouth of someone who claims to love us. It doesn’t always have to be wounding comments either. In my Developmental Psychology course, I ask my students to write down 10 things they have heard from friends and family members about themselves that were hurtful “to date”. It takes most students 10 minutes to write down 10 things; or, about 60 seconds per recalled comment. Then I give them a new piece of paper and ask them to write down 10 things they have heard from friends and family members about themselves that were encouraging, uplifting, and positive. It takes a student three times as long. That’s right. At 30 minutes I call “time” and there are always some who have not been able to come up with a full ten items. What does this tell us? Are humans more prone to remember negative or positive?

Negative comments are like wounds. They may cause us to bleed and to fester. Maybe infection sets in as well and our wounds begin to affect other body parts. Negative comments leave scars. No amount of vitamin E, cocoa butter, or cell activator products will remove the scar. Sure! Both time and perhaps counseling and support can reduce the visibility of scars, but the scar remains.

Positive comments seep into the skin slowly. Yes, perhaps our ears are the conduit, but our hearts are what build up our self-esteem. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson (OCDE.US, 2016), explains that there is a 3:1 ratio of necessary positive to negative comments to equalize the impact. In other words, for every negative comment you hear and take to heart, it may take three positive comments to remove the potency and harmful effects of the negative comment.

Permanent Brick Walls

Sadly, there are times when you must love yourself enough to initiate self-care in building a permanent brick wall to toxic people. It isn’t easy. There may be a price tag. You may alienate others who are affected by your choice. You may become the target for people who insist that forgiveness AND reconciliation are mandatory. My friends? There are times that this is a small price to pay compared to the continued damage a toxic person may deliver.

If they are incapable of remorse and change, who will protect us? Though it may sound attractive at our low points, putting out a hit on the toxic person is not a good choice. If we do not permanently dis-allow them opportunities to harm us, who will? When I have had to do this, I do so with heavy heart. However, I also do so knowing my children are looking to me for an example. Cuz ya know what? They are going to have toxic people in their lives. When I disassociate with a poisonous soul, I do so knowing that younger adults learning to live with acquired disability or illnesses are watching me.

It Doesn’t Take a Gift of Words

I don’t know about you… but I want to be a part of the group that is telling another something positive, uplifting and encouraging, and genuine. I want to be a part of the THREE that helps to cancel out the negative things another has heard and believed. All day–each and every day–I look for opportunities to say positive, genuine things to others.

“You look great in that color!”

“Wow, look at how well you did on this exam!”

“You always have the greatest things to say during class discussions”

“Thank you for emailing me about your current crisis. You are so responsible in that and I want to help you”

To people I know who are differently-abled:

“Those running lights on your wheelchair are freaking AWESOME!”

“You have the best hearing of anyone I know” (to a student with vision loss)

“You’ve told me about your personal demons. I love how you bravely and courageously face life with a smile”

“I love how Milo (my service dog) loves you. He must sense what a caring person you are to seek you out each class period”  (to a student with recent TBI who is still coming to terms with new challenges)

That’s All Fine and Dandy – But I Cannot FORGET

Yup. I can determine to be part of the solution (instigator of the positive in the 3:1 ratio), and still have STUCK negative comments playing over and over in my head. “♫ ♪ This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because… ♫ ♪ 

So what’s a person to do?

  1. Surround yourself with people who are positive contributors. You may not be able to pick your family and have tough choices to make about boundaries, but we can pick our friends. Make wise choices.
  2. Learn self-talk. “With practice, you can learn to notice your own negative self-talk as it happens, and consciously choose to think about the situation in a more realistic and helpful way” (Martin, 2016, para. 5).
  3. Be realistic about extremes and over-generalizing. I love these 7 “steps” to eliminating negative thinking. Check them out here: CLICK
  4. Affirm yourself. CUTE VIDEO of a little girl saying all the right things in 50 seconds: CLICK.  Perhaps talking to yourself in the mirror has fallen out of style (but should it have?). Regardless, we can learn to dispute that negative STUCK phrase in our heads. You gotta identify it first, then figure out where it came from, decide if it is true, decide how you want it to CHANGE, and then do #3 above. And hey… if preachin’ at yourself in the mirror helps? Go for it!

I leave you with the challenge to be someone’s 3. Be the positive, uplifting and affirming influence for another individual. Make it genuine (no lying… who does that help? I never say something positive I don’t mean/believe) It may take some practice. You have to learn to be watchful and observant. May God grant me the opportunity to be the 3 for someone! That these comments may re-play in a person’s head with the frequency of one-eyed, one horn, flying purple, people-eaters? Well, color ME PROUD.

Denise Portis

©2016 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Fredrickson, B. (2016). The magic ration of positive and negative moments. Retrieved November 8, 2016, from https://www.ocde.us/PBIS/Documents/Articles/Positive+$!26+Negative+Ratio.pdf

Martin, B. (2016). Challenging Negative Self-Talk. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 10, 2016, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/challenging-negative-self-talk/

 

Let It Go – Or It’ll Kill You

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I am home today grading papers, writing my dissertation, and doing laundry. I love laundry.

No. Really! I love laundry!

So needless to say, I’m in my “happy place” today in spite of some sprinkles, high humidity, and lots of wobbles. Heck. I didn’t even put on make-up.

This morning around 7:30, I noticed this cluster of acorns by the pond. They were still on the branch (and at the time, INTACT), surrounded by some pretty Autumn leaves. I thought, “Wow. That’s kinda purty. I’ll bring my camera out later and take a picture“.

Fast FOR..W….w……w…ard……….  2 hours:

The next time I took the dogs out I grabbed my iPhone and thought to myself while springing the screen door open with a flourish,

  1. Deb will be so proud.
  2. I, too, can spot beauty.
  3. Hope the showers hold off.
  4. Did I skip breakfast? (Just keeping it real…)

I got out to the pond and searched first for the ROCK, then for the little oak tree branch with acorns. The picture above is what I found. Every single acorn gone, y’all.

I looked around a bit thinkin’… I must be in the wrong spot. The thing is? There are only so many rocks around the pond! Besides! Right there was the wee little branch, surrounded by perhaps a few more leaves, with ZERO acorns on it!

Do you know I had to sit down a second and ponder on it? I mean… what in the world happened in two hours?

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Well a clue, was that this guy <points up> was very, VERY interested in the wee little branch. He sniffed and snuffed. He circled around the spot. He sniffed some more. Then he lay down next to me and continued to sniff while I slowly but surely turned my investigator meter off.

A critter! It had to be. Something sly and sneaky… something small and (evidently) smelly… something HUNGRY was here.

Sigh. I stood up and brushed myself off thinking, “Let it go, Denise. Let it go!” It’s not like I could glue some acorns back on the twig and make it work (though I DID think about it long and hard). “You missed this photo opportunity. Let it go, Denise. Let it go.”

Now, I’m fully aware that most of you have launched into song. Your arms are flung wide, you twirled at least ONCE, and you are belting out, “Let It Go” for all you’re worth. Raise your hand if you’re guilty…

Do you know I have not seen “Frozen“? Oh, I have seen the video of the song, and numerous other parodies. I’ve seen adorable videos on FaceBook of folk’s kiddos singing the song as if it were their own. Needless to say, after I looked up the lyrics for the first time (necessary when you hear a song and are trying to make out the words with a hearing loss), I wasn’t that impressed. I mean, “The cold never bothered me anyway” was SPOT ON for this cold-weathered girl. The rest of the lyrics are kinda harsh, IMO. No worries. I’m not getting ready to dissect and demonize the lyrics to a favored song.

Why Letting It Go – is GOOD

hold-your-breath

I hold my breath. I do so,

… when I’m concentrating

… when I’m nervous

… when I’ve just fallen

… when I’m about to fall

… when I have panic attacks

… when I’m afraid.

That’s right. I have excellent diaphragm control and lung capacity. (Not really… I just pass out a lot). Any-WHO, I learned to “let it go”; my breath, I mean. I was chanting “let it go” before Disney made the phrase famous. (Sorry, Disney… I checked the published date for the song).

Don’t you wish we could “let it go” as easily as a breath being held? I get a little disgusted when people tell someone to “let it go” when they are hanging on to something they need to let go of to be free.

Perhaps you are waiting for an apology that will never happen. 

Someone hurt you and you are still waiting for them to make it right.

A complete loser made your life miserable for years, and you still hear their voice in your head.

You are so accustomed to things going badly, you are in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

You cross your fingers and wait for God to finally punish someone who really needs punishing.

You wait around for the Cubs to win the World Series.

Let it go. The problem with holding your breath – AND – holding on to things like this, is that a state of increased tension and anxiety only harms YOU. It’s like a burning feeling in your lungs. Holding on to things like this can harm your health. Blood pressure, mental health, heart disease, and many other conditions are affected by “holding on”.

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things in the world for me. Yet, I have been forgiven for so much. Pretty arrogant, aren’t I? Forgiveness became easier when I realized it didn’t mean I had to pretend something didn’t happen. It did and it hurt. However, holding on to grudges, bitterness, and anger was only hurting ME (not them). “Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life” (Mayo Clinic, 2014, para. 4).

I recognize that part of the human existence is missing opportunities, forgiving others, and learning to “let it go”. One of my favorite songs (To Forgive by Al Denson) can be found HERE. I’m not saying it is easy.

You know what, though? As a differently-abled person who also struggles with depression and anxiety, I have learned that holding on to stuff only makes my life more difficult.

And I can do without more “difficult”.

So if I can be proactive about my own health and lay the groundwork for having more good days than bad… simply by “letting go”.

Whoosh….

That’s what an exhale sounds like.

Mayo Clinic (2014). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Retrieved October 30, 2016, from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

Denise Portis

© 2016 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

 

Can You Be Arrested for That?

My favorite cane...
My favorite cane…

I have friends who are police officers. One, Carl, is actually chief of police for a district in our area. I see him most Sundays, and tomorrow I plan to ask him, “Can you be arrested for that?” I love his sense of humor and he and his wife, Pam, are two of my favorite people. Though I know he will be witty, I also know he will be straight with me. Anything that pertains to the law, he’s gonna be frank with me.

Maybe I should back up though, and tell you the story? <grin>

First of all, I’m really tired. I could list you dozens of citations that link differently-abled people with fatigue and insomnia. I’m usually good about listing all those for you, but honestly there are over 26,000 articles since 2012 alone. (Yes… I counted, or rather Google scholar did!). But I digress…

When I’m tired I have a little more trouble filtering what I say. I am much more apt to just say the first thing on my mind. I’m trying to live with the “pause – respond” method (thanks for that Toby Mac post, Helen), and being mindful of not saying the first thing that comes to mind really helps. When I am tired though, I’m less likely to turn that filter on.

I have a dog in hospice care at home (sweet, retired Chloe), and I am very likely involved in way… too… much. Finishing my dissertation, teaching four classes, volunteering at a number of places; the list goes on an on. Just color me tired. This tired woman, with turned-off filter, entered Giant grocery store on Thursday. Milo-bear (my current service dog from Fidos For Freedom, Inc.) was tired as well as we had just completed a long training at the county police academy and he had a fairly long demo (that he NAILED). I only needed to get a few things, and so encouraged Milo for a last push before heading home.

When I’m tired, I wobble. <ahem> Ok. I wobble all the time. However, I wobble MORE when I am tired! I had one of the smaller carts, Milo, cane, and enough time that I did not need to rush. This didn’t seem to matter. I was a mess. I even wobbled when I moved my field of vision from one shelf to another. Being late-deafened, I do not always hear things in a big, cavernous store with lots of tile and hard surfaces. I turned suddenly, and almost plowed into a man standing there shopping with one of those hand baskets. He threw up his hands and watched me wobble, screech (just a little), and grab for everything stationary in my vicinity.

No face plant (this time). I whooshed out a breath of air, and locked eyes with him and was getting ready to say, “Wow. That was close“. He beat me to airtime, however.

“Well you are more than a little pathetic today, aren’t you?” with a grin and twinkle in his eyes.

Now… I’m late-deafened. I often mishear things. My husband could tell you a thousand stories about WHAT I THOUGHT I HEARD. He’s one of the few voices I can hear on a telephone, and has never let me live it down when he called and said, “Dinner at six?” I misheard and thought he said, “Dinner and sex?” Maybe inside I was thinking, “yes, please“, mature adult that I was said, “Excuse me…?” Yeah. That one has been hard to live down.

So this smiling man with a twinkle in his eye standing there waiting for me to respond, may NOT have said, “Well you are more than a little pathetic today, aren’t you?” I had to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe he said “phonetic“. Eh, likely not since I only screeched and had not said anything.

Maybe he said “poetic”. I could dream.

Maybe he said “prophetic“. Perhaps he sensed I was getting ready to assault him.

To clarify, I said, “Ummm, pathetic?”

“Yes”, he replied, “because you….” his voice cut off because at this point? I had my cane raised.

I poked him with it. HARD. I’M pathetic? You’re the pathetic piece of humanity standing there making snide comments about people who are a little different than you!” 

He rubbed his chest where I poked him, mumbled something that I’m not EVEN gonna pretend I heard well or understood, and wandered off. I sat there hyperventilating.

Milo-bear looked up at me like, “Are we done yet?” cool as a cucumber. Me? My cucumber was fried.

As I stood there wobbling and taking deep, calming breaths, I gave myself a pep talk that the guy likely just had a poor choice of words. He seemed friendly, nice even. I’m sure he didn’t mean the way it sounded… the way I took it. I even had the grace to ask God that if He brought me face-to-face with the man later in the store, I would apologize and try to explain how his comment made me feel. Thankfully, I did NOT run into him, because… well I wasn’t really wanting to apologize.

Yes. I should have just moved on, or perhaps even “only” blasted him with my “how pathetic are YOU” rebuttal. I need to keep my cane to myself. (Can you tell I am preaching to myself?) Who knows why he chose the words he did. I make poor choices all the time.

And I do mean ALL the time.

So perhaps I need to practice the “pause method” even more:

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Denise Portis

© 2016 Personal Hearing Loss Journal